my first... heartbreak

November 3 6:12 p.m.

glitter eyes

and kinky smile

freckled-nose

and Mossimo caps

brown swishy hair

and sexy tan chest

all draw the same conclusion: Ryan=God.

some little girl has fallen deeply and madly, head-over-heels, can't wait to see them again, in love.

i remember staying up until four in the morning on Tuesday nights, scribbling madly into my journal about how he looked at me that day, or smiled at me, or even just how much more i'd grown to love him.

at Cross-Country practice, i'd shamelessly stare at him. and he'd stare back. at races, i'd cry my eyes out if i did poorly, and he'd be there to hold me.

and i remember thinking that he was the one. i thought he was perfect. all his actions reflected some godliness that i would never understand.

afterall I was a thirteen year old that had never been loved or appreciated. my whole life i had been treated just as an 'A-Ticket' in math class. and here was a boy who actually seemed to care.

and i remember thinking that i would die happy if he would come to my funeral. and i would die a thousand times before i would hurt him. i would have killed for him to just say those three words. i love you oh god, i knew i would have glady said i love you over and over again to him. i love you. i love you. i love you. i would whisper in my dreams.

and i remember thinking that i actually had a chance with the perfect boy. and i remember thinking, life just can't get any better.

oh and how right i was. life didn't get any better. life got a whole hell of a lot worse.

it was the first wednesday of cross-country practice. the second practice of the season. we had finished our workout about half an hour earlier so we were sitting in the office calling our parents. and it was my turn to dial.

"you have to press nine first" Henry instructs as I punch in the numbers. 348...

"i know. i did."

"oh. i didn't see you punch in the nine. you must have 'magic little Chinese fingers.'"

I laugh and hand the phone to Ryan as soon as I'm off. I hear Coach offer him a ride home. "No, it's okay. I'm going to church with my girlfriend today."

time stands still

did he say girlfriend? and i actually thought i stood a chance

-victor